Alright, buckle up, sports fans, because nothing screams “exciting news” like the NFL’s annual ritual of scheduling games. It’s like watching a worm try to juggle flaming torches while riding a unicycle on a tightrope over a pit of cats. NBC Sports president Rick Cordella summed it up perfectly with this gem: “I have five kids at home and you never satisfy them all.” Yeah, NFL schedulers, you’re the parental units of a hyperactive football family that just won’t chill.
Think the job got easier because we now have more TV windows and a Christmas Day game? Hell no. It’s like they added more spinning plates and then told them “Don’t drop a single one!” The new broadcast deals mean every single game goes up for bid every week, which basically turns prime-time TV slots into a WWE free-for-all, except with less punching and more spreadsheets.
Just to make your brain hurt, here’s how it works: CBS owns most of the AFC games, Fox has the NFC, but if there’s a juicy NFC matchup when CBS has a doubleheader, CBS snatches it. So, for Week 1, Detroit visits Green Bay in a 4:25 PM slot on CBS, because why not confuse the hell out of your viewers right out of the gate?
Hans Schroeder, the NFL’s big-shot executive VP of media distribution, is thrilled because the NFC North is facing off against AFC North and NFC East. The schedule, according to him, is “fun and really great”—which is code for “we compromised so much, it’s indistinguishable from last year’s messed-up draft list.” This guy is in his second year dodging blame for the schedule, so props for optimism.
The NFL teased the schedule release during the NFL Draft on April 24 like a game show host dangling a shiny prize just out of reach. But the full schedule didn’t get inked until a week later. Because transparency, right? They locked in games as early as Sunday night when networks pitched advertisers — a high-stakes game of musical chairs with millions of dollars on the line.
The nail-biter? Fox’s Week 16 Saturday doubleheader (because why should Prime Time be on a Sunday, normal people?). They knew they wanted Packers vs. Bears and Eagles vs. Commanders but kept flipping a coin on who’s home. Spoiler alert: it just gave everyone more time to sweat.
Here’s a kicker: the epic Buffalo vs. Kansas City game — where Patrick Mahomes and Josh Allen face off for the tenth time (including playoffs if you’re keeping score like an over-obsessed nerd) — remains on CBS in a 4:25 p.m. window in Week 9. Because apparently, the NFL prefers to keep fireworks away from prime time. Brilliant strategy, fellas.
David Berson, CBS Sports president and CEO, can’t hide the glee. He’s “thrilled” to keep chronicling these quarterback wars like it’s the latest Netflix drama. And who can blame him? CBS locked up nine games each from the Chiefs and Bills, basically turning their Sunday afternoons into a nonstop highlight reel of cannon arms and jaw-dropping throws.
Now, brace yourself for a rarity that’s almost as rare as a Saint winning a Super Bowl: a Super Bowl rematch on the network that actually aired the big game. Fox got the Week 2 treat of Kansas City visiting Philadelphia at 4:25 p.m. EST. Fox Sports president Mike Mulvihill admitted they wanted to mix up their afternoons, requesting less Cowboys-monopoly and more flavor. So cue the Philly Eagles, Buffalo Bills, Cincinnati Bengals, and others commandeering Fox’s end-of-afternoon window. It’s basically a potluck buffet of top-notch teams instead of the usual Cowboys dog-eat-dog show.
NBC? They snagged the season kickoff: Dallas vs. Philadelphia on September 4, plus a Sunday Night special featuring Lamar Jackson’s Ravens taking on Buffalo’s Josh Allen. That’s a happy hour of MVP face-offs right out the gate. ABC/ESPN teams up for 13 Monday Night Football games — 11 simulcasting with ESPN and 2 exclusives, sprinkled with doubleheaders. The kicker: ESPN+ gets a late stream game between Houston and Seattle on Week 7, probably for all you folks who enjoy buffering as entertainment.
Oh, and streaming? Prime Video’s “Thursday Night Football” flexes with all 14 playoff teams from last year and throws in 10 divisional battles, wrapping up with Denver at Kansas City on Christmas night. Because nothing says happy holidays like watching football and depressing your bank account on Amazon purchases.
Now, New Orleans and coach Kellen Moore are already rebuilding like your least efficient IKEA project, so Derek Carr’s retirement didn’t rattle their schedule. Meanwhile, Cleveland and Tennessee join them on the “no prime-time-party” list, which, let’s be honest, might be a blessing for their fragile fan bases.
Meanwhile, Pittsburgh remains a national brand regardless of the identity crisis surrounding Aaron Rodgers’ future. Whether he rocks black and gold or not, the Steelers have four prime-time games, along with division rivals Baltimore and Cincinnati.
If Rodgers signs with Pittsburgh (still a question wrapped in more questions and a little bit of rumor sauce), his Week 1 drama will unfold against the New York Jets and their freshly minted QB, Justin Fields — the former Steelers quarterback’s current nemesis. NFL VP Mike North admitted the league might’ve altered the opener if Rodgers had signed earlier, but hey, nothing like scheduling chaos to keep us on edge.
If this whole scheduling extravaganza teaches us anything, it’s that the NFL’s broadcast and scheduling departments are juggling chainsaws while riding rollercoasters. The networks want their piece of the pie, fans want prime-time fireworks, and the league just wants to keep everyone interested enough to throw money at the TV every Sunday. It’s a maddening tango that no one can truly win, but hey, at least we get football.
So here’s the takeaway: the NFL schedule is a beautiful mess, a chaotic masterpiece of compromise and conflict that guarantees you’ll never exactly know what channel your team’s on. But whether it’s a cozy Sunday afternoon or a prime-time Thursday night, you’ll be watching. Because football is like that annoying ex you can’t quit—it drives you nuts, betrays you, but somehow you love it anyway.