The Holy Gospel of Running Backs, According to Some Nerds
Alright, folks, gather ’round because ESPN’s Jeremy Fowler (who I’m sure is a lovely man, but probably wears khakis) has dropped his annual running back rankings. And wouldn’t you know it, Saquon Barkley, the man who once made me believe in the Giants (a cardinal sin, I know), is sitting pretty at number one. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve been emotionally bamboozled by a running back, I could buy the damn Eagles myself.
Fowler, bless his heart, compiles this list based on input from NFL executives, scouts, and coaches. You know, the same people who thought Nathan Peterman was a viable NFL quarterback. So, yeah, I’m taking this with a grain of salt the size of a small car.
The Pantheon of Power, According to People Who Get Paid to Know This Stuff
- Saquon Barkley, Philadelphia Eagles
- Derrick Henry, Baltimore Ravens
- Jahmyr Gibbs, Detroit Lions
- Bijan Robinson, Atlanta Falcons
- Christian McCaffrey, San Francisco 49ers
- Josh Jacobs, Green Bay Packers
- Jonathan Taylor, Indianapolis Colts
- James Cook, Buffalo Bills
- Joe Mixon, Houston Texans
- Alvin Kamara, New Orleans Saints
Derrick Henry at number two? Okay, I’ll allow it. The man’s a freight train in cleats, and now he’s terrorizing the AFC North with the Ravens. I’m already having nightmares about Lamar Jackson handing it off to him and then running me over for good measure. Thanks, NFL, I hate it here.
And then there’s Jahmyr Gibbs at number three. A Lion! Look, I like the Lions, I really do. They’re like that scrappy underdog you can’t help but root for… until they break your heart in the playoffs. Again. Is he good? Yes. Should he be that high? I don’t know! I’m emotionally compromised!
The Curious Case of Christian McCaffrey: From Top Dog to Fifth Wheel
Poor Christian McCaffrey. Last year’s golden boy, now relegated to fifth place after a season riddled with injuries. Achilles tendinitis and a PCL injury will do that to a guy. It’s like watching your favorite racehorse break a leg. Tragic. Utterly tragic.
Christian McCaffrey is shown on the left in this collage of NFL running backs.
Source: sportingnews.com
“He’s a great player, but he’s always had durability issues, even in college,” some anonymous personnel executive chirped to Fowler. Oh, thanks, Nostradamus! That’s the kind of insightful analysis I expect from people who get paid exorbitant amounts of money to watch football. It’s like saying water is wet. Yes, we know! The man is made of glass, but when he’s healthy, he’s electric!
The executive added that McCaffrey “will lose a step eventually.” No way! Really? Players decline with age? I thought they just got better and younger forever! This is groundbreaking stuff, folks. Write that down.
Derrick Henry: Proof That Old Men Can Still Do Cool Things
Speaking of old guys, Derrick Henry is out there proving that you can, in fact, teach an old dog new tricks. Or, in his case, that an old running back can still run for 1,921 yards and 16 touchdowns. Take that, Father Time! He may be listed as a DT, but don’t let that fool you!
Derrick Henry is shown playing for the Baltimore Ravens in this split screen image.
Source: sportingnews.com
People were wondering if Henry was washed up after carrying the ball 1,529 times from 2019-23. Turns out, he was just getting started. It’s like those old Nokia phones that just keep going and going. You can drop them off a building, run them over with a car, and they’ll still be kicking. That’s Derrick Henry. A human battering ram with surprising longevity.
What Does This All Mean? (Besides More Heartache for Me)
Okay, deep breaths. What does this all mean for the league? Well, it means that running backs are still valuable, despite what the nerds in the analytics departments want you to believe. It means that a dominant running game can still carry you to the Super Bowl (looking at you, Baltimore). And it means that I’m going to spend another season yelling at my television and questioning all of my life choices.
The Green Bay Packers snagging Josh Jacobs and Bijan Robinson terrorizing defenses is also going to change the league!
This image features a ranking of running backs, with a player in a New York Giants uniform.
Source: ats.io
In Conclusion: I Need a Drink
So, here we are. Saquon Barkley is the king of the running backs, Derrick Henry is defying age, and I’m left to pick up the emotional pieces. It’s the circle of life, really. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Well, maybe I would. But where’s the fun in that?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go scream into a pillow and contemplate the futility of fandom. Cheers!
Hey Drew, do you think the Falcons will ever get a good running back?”
No. And shame on you for even asking that.
