The Quarterback Carousel of DOOM!
Alright, folks, buckle up because it’s August, which means two things: pumpkin spice everything is about to assault your senses, and NFL teams are realizing their quarterbacks are made of papier-mâché and desperation is setting in! Quarterback—the position so crucial, you’d think teams would, I don’t know, PLAN AHEAD? But no, here we are, knee-deep in trade rumors and QB controversies so stupid, they make my brain leak out my ears.
Every year, the same song and dance. Some teams are pretending they’re fine with their glorified water boys under center (spoiler alert: they’re not). Other teams have perfectly good backups rotting on the bench, backups who could be—dare I say—SERVICEABLE. It’s a goddamn quarterback carousel of doom, and I’m here to throw gasoline on the flames.
Kirk Cousins: The No-Trade Clause Albatross
Oh, Kirk Cousins. Bless his heart. He signed a four-year, $180 million deal with the Atlanta Falcons, only to have them draft Michael Penix Jr. roughly five minutes later. It’s like buying a $10,000 suit and then immediately spilling a vat of marinara sauce on it. The Falcons could save $27.5 million by trading him, but Cousins has a no-trade clause thicker than my Aunt Mildred’s Thanksgiving gravy. He’s not waiving it to be someone’s backup. He’d rather knit sweaters out of his beard trimmings. So, unless Patrick Mahomes gets abducted by aliens, Cousins is staying put. Great job, Atlanta!
Taylor Heinicke: The High-End Backup (Maybe?)
Now, here’s a guy who might actually get moved. Taylor Heinicke is currently battling Trey Lance for the QB2 spot behind Justin Herbert in Los Angeles. Folks, I am whelmed. Heinicke is a decent backup—think of him as the bargain-bin version of Ryan Fitzpatrick—but Lance is supposed to be the future! Or at least, the future backup. Chargers offensive coordinator Greg Roman said there’s no depth chart right now. Of course not. It’s August, and nothing makes sense!
Heinicke has 29 career starts. He’s scrappy, he’s got a pulse, and he won’t cost a king’s ransom. The Colts and Saints, who are apparently run by blind gerbils making personnel decisions, should be all over this guy. Anthony Richardson and Daniel Jones are “struggling” in Colts camp, according to some lady from the New York Post? SHOCKING! Meanwhile, the Saints’ QB room is so green, it’s practically photosynthesizing. Heinicke might actually win a job in either of those places. Which says more about those teams than it does about Heinicke, I suspect.
Hendon Hooker: The Third-Round Lottery Ticket
Ah, yes. Hendon Hooker. He’s currently behind Jared Goff (a human thumb with a helmet) and Kyle Allen (who?) in Detroit. Hooker was coming off an ACL tear when the Lions drafted him, which explains why he hasn’t played. Derrik Klassen from Bleacher Report called him a decent backup with “years of starting experience.” I call him a dude who’s taking up valuable oxygen on the Lions’ sideline.
But hey, he’s got “intriguing potential!” (Every third-round pick has “intriguing potential.” It’s in the goddamn job description.) If the Lions aren’t sold, the Bears and Jets should give them a call. Ben Johnson, now the Bears’ head coach (!!!), knows Hooker from his time in Detroit. Rich Cimini from ESPN says Justin Fields has a dislocated toe? That’s the Jetsiest thing I’ve ever heard! Suddenly, Hooker, the dual-threat guy, makes sense. This is why I drink.
Mac Jones: Rebooting the Career™
The San Francisco 49ers, in their infinite wisdom, decided to pick up Mac Jones this offseason. Mac Jones! The guy who looked promising for, like, five minutes in New England before turning into a pumpkin? The 49ers believe he can be a starter, says some guy named Klay Kubiak. I’m sure that’s gonna happen.
Look, I get it. Kyle Shanahan likes reclamation projects. But unless Jones suddenly develops the ability to throw a football over those mountains in the background there in his image, he’s still Mac Jones. The Jets don’t have a long-term QB plan, (and LOL at them) so they could kick the tires. The Rams also need someone to eventually replace Matthew Stafford, who will probably be playing until he’s 50. Those two teams would give Jones a new chance.
Kenny Pickett: The Steelers Reject, Now Brown
The Cleveland Browns, in a move that can only be described as “Browns-ian,” have a four-way QB competition! Joe Flacco, Kenny Pickett, Dillon Gabriel, and Shedeur Sanders are battling it out for the starting gig. Pickett, a former first-round pick of the Steelers, might be the odd man out. A first-round pick! Now fighting for scraps in Cleveland. What a world.
Kenny’s been stellar, says his QB coach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll believe it when I see it. He does have 25 starts under his belt, and the Saints and Colts – once again – make sense as a destination if their current QB situations don’t get better. He’s also learning behind reigning Super Bowl MVP Jalen Hurts…which is now wrong. He’s not on the Eagles anymore. He has no job. This writing is HARD.
Malik Willis: From Titan to Packer to…What?
Oh, the Packers won’t rush to move Malik Willis, you say? He’s the backup to Jordan Love, you say? Well, that just means he’s trade bait! Willis looked serviceable last year, blah, blah, blah. He was a third-round pick by the Titans who just hasn’t panned out. He could be available “for a strong offer.” In other words, the Packers will take whatever they can get.
Teams like the Rams and Steelers (again!) might be interested. Sure, he’s flashed in a Matt LaFleur offense (which is similar to McVay’s!). All I know is that his career’s been a disaster so far, and there’s still hope he can become something more.
Jameis Winston: The Turnover Machine
The New York Giants signed Jameis Winston to a two-year deal, which means they like him as a backup. I’m not sure what’s worse: being a starter for the Jets or being a backup for the Giants. The Giants also signed Russell Wilson (has he retired yet?) and drafted some guy named Dart (again, WHAT?). Brian Daboll, who I’m convinced is a sentient potato, says Wilson is the starter. Well, no duh!
Winston does have an “alarming turnover problem,” but he’s also got a cannon for an arm. In one start for the Saints, he threw for nearly 500 yards! He’s either amazing or actively trying to lose the game. There is no in-between. The Vikings and Titans need a backup, mentor, or a human victory cigar, and Winston fits the bill. I don’t know what that phrase is even supposed to mean!
What Does This All Mean?
What does it all mean, you ask? It means that some team is going to overpay for a quarterback who isn’t very good, and that team’s fans will be convinced that this is the guy who will finally turn things around. They will buy his jersey, defend his terrible decisions, and then, inevitably, be crushed when he throws three interceptions in the first half of Week 3. And I will be there, cackling with glee, because schadenfreude is the only thing that gets me through the godforsaken season.
