AFC East All-Division Team 2025: A Symphony of Disappointment (and Josh Allen)
Alright, FINE. I’ll do it. Another freakin’ pre-season preview when we all KNOW the whole damn thing is gonna be wrong by Week Four because some jabroni tore his ACL tripping over the Gatorade cooler. But NOOOO, the PEOPLE need their PREDICTIONS. So here it is, the All-AFC East team for 2025, a collection of guys who are either gonna be gods or total busts. No in-between. That’s how we do things here, people. With EXTREMES.
Offensive “Stars” (and Josh Allen)
QB: Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills – Oh, like there was any other choice? Drake Maye? Please. That dude’s gonna be eating turf sandwiches all season. Allen’s the only reason to watch the Bills anymore, a one-man gang trying to drag a corpse across the finish line. He could probably play all 11 positions at once and STILL win MVP. (Don’t quote me on that.)
RB: De’Von Achane, Miami Dolphins – Look, James Cook is sulking about his contract. Sulking! That’s not gonna get you extra yards, buddy. Meanwhile, Achane gets the backfield all to himself in that clown car offense of Mike McDaniel’s. Expect him to be fast. Really fast. Like a caffeinated cheetah wearing rocket boots.
WRs: Tyreek Hill (Miami Dolphins), Stefon Diggs (New England Patriots), Khalil Shakir (Buffalo Bills) – No Garrett Wilson? WHAT. IS. THIS. HERESY?! Relax, people. Guy’s stuck with a rusty can of garbage for a quarterback and a head coach who thinks offense is a swear word. These three, on the other hand, are guaranteed targets. Diggs in New England? Yeah, he’s gonna be pissed off by Week Eight, but at least he’ll get the damn ball thrown his way first.
TE: Dalton Kincaid, Buffalo Bills – Probably gonna be good. Probably gonna get hurt. Standard Bills tight end stuff. If he actually stays healthy, though, expect Allen to chuck it to him 100 times a game out of pure desperation. He had 73 receptions for 673 yards last year; if he stays healthy, expect more.
LT: Dion Dawkins, Buffalo Bills – A four-time Pro Bowler. He’s basically the offensive line equivalent of that one dude at your gym who’s been benching the same weight for 15 years. Solid, dependable, and utterly incapable of improvement. That consistency gets you on this list.
LG: John Simpson, New York Jets – Run-blocker extraordinaire! Which is good because the Jets are gonna be running. Running away from all the interceptions. All 100 of them. But hey, at least the offensive line is there. It is their only job.
C: Aaron Brewer, Miami Dolphins – Coming off a career year, blah blah blah. PFF grade of 74.8, blah blah blah. Look, in Miami, if you can snap the ball without getting it stuck in your ass crack, you’re an All-Pro. Brewer is no exception.
Linemen: The unsung heroes of a three-yard run.
RG: Mike Onwenu, New England Patriots – Bouncing between guard and tackle last year? Of course he was! That’s the Patriots way. Turn every player into a goddamn utility infielder who can play seven different positions, none of them well. But he sticks at guard, he is good at footballs.
RT: Spencer Brown, Buffalo Bills – Best of a bad bunch? The AFC East offensive lines are like a dumpster fire competition and Brown is slightly less on fire than the other dumpsters. Bills gave him a $72 million extension? That’s like giving a participation trophy to a kid who finished the race using a walker.\n4 years and 72 million? Worth it.
Defensive Saviors (and Occasional Headhunters)
Edges: Greg Rousseau (Buffalo Bills), Jermaine Johnson (New York Jets) – Rousseau’s gonna sack somebody. Johnson’s gonna try not to tear another Achilles. So, yeah, pretty standard edge rusher stuff in this division. One guy healthy, one guy not.
DTs: Quinnen Williams (New York Jets), Zach Sieler (Miami Dolphins) – Quinnen Williams is good and is a three-time Pro Bowler. Sieler is just coming off a 10-sack season because all of the offensive lines in the AFC East are busy staring at butterflies. One guy’s elite, the other one benefits from the other teams’ suckitude.
Greg Rousseau of the Buffalo Bills. He’ll probably sack your QB.
LBs: Quincy Williams (New York Jets), Robert Spillane (New England Patriots) – Williams hasn’t been a first-team All-Pro in years. Spillane collects tackles like they’re goddamn Beanie Babies. This is what passes for linebacker talent in the AFC East. Sad!
Outside CBs: Sauce Gardner (New York Jets), Christian Gonzalez (New England Patriots) – Sauce is great, blah blah blah. Gonzalez probably good, blah blah blah. This is the one position in the AFC East where there are actually GOOD players. The rest of this list is just various levels of garbage and here and two legitimate corners. Good for them.
Nickel: Taron Johnson, Buffalo Bills – Kader Kohou almost got this spot? Who? Exactly. Johnson’s been around longer, so he gets the participation trophy. That is the Bills’ way. Also, his name is way cooler. Kader Kohou sounds like a sneeze.
The Miami Dolphins, where even the safeties can’t escape the perpetual chaos.
Safeties: Minkah Fitzpatrick (Miami Dolphins), Jabril Peppers (New England Patriots) – Fitzpatrick back in Miami? Well, that’s just gonna end in tears, isn’t it? Guy’s gonna be begging for a trade by mid-season. Peppers is… there. Doing safety things. I bet he shows up on time. That’s about the best I can say.
What Does It All Mean? (Besides That I Need a Drink)
Okay, so what have we learned here? The AFC East is basically Josh Allen and a bunch of guys trying not to screw things up too badly. The Jets are still gonna be the Jets. The Dolphins are gonna be fast and fragile. And the Patriots are gonna be… well, who the hell knows what the Patriots are gonna be? Probably mediocre, which, honestly, is worse than being terrible. At least with terrible, you get high draft picks and the sweet, sweet schadenfreude of watching your rivals implode. Mediocrity is just… blah. Like unflavored oatmeal.
Final Verdict (aka Me Throwing Darts at a Board)
So there you have it, folks. The All-AFC East team, a collection of hopes, dreams, and probably a few career-ending injuries waiting to happen. Will any of this actually come true? Probably not. But hey, at least it gives us something to argue about until the games actually start and we realize that, once again, we’ve all been had by the hype machine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go yell at a cloud.