Predicting the NFL’s Cellar Dwellers in 2025: A Symphony of Suck!
Introduction: The Circle of Liiiiife (But With More Losing)
Ah, the NFL offseason. A time of unearned hope, of delusional fans screaming, “THIS IS OUR YEAR!” as if their team didn’t just go 3-14. Well, newsflash, numb-skulls: some of you are gonna be awful again. It’s the circle of life, only instead of Simba becoming king, it’s your franchise quarterback getting sacked into oblivion. So, let’s dive into the steaming pile of refuse that will be the 2025 season for these teams, shall we?
AFC East: Miami Dolphins – More Like the Miami Dol-finshed, Am I Right?
Oh, the Dolphins. Always hyped, always disappointing. It’s the South Beach way! Sure, they’ve got speed, like a caffeinated cheetah on roller skates, but their defense? Swiss cheese. Full of holes, and probably smells vaguely of feet. And let’s not forget Tua Tagovailoa, the human porcelain doll. The guy’s made of glass! He’s missed significant time in four of his five seasons, and while he managed a full season and a Pro Bowl nod in 2023, I fully expect him to be bubble-wrapped by Week 4.
“But Drew,” I hear you cry from your mom’s basement, “they got Minkah Fitzpatrick!” Yeah, they did. But even Minkah can’t be everywhere at once (though I bet he wishes he could be). That secondary is still softer than a baby’s butt. And their pass rush? Relying on guys coming off major injuries? That’s like betting your house on a horse with three legs. Good luck with that, genius.
Plus, if Tua goes down (and he WILL), you’re stuck with Zach Wilson, whose career completion rate hovers around a pathetic 57%. That’s like trying to win a marathon with a sprained ankle and a backpack full of bowling balls. This team is primed for a spectacular implosion. Mike McDaniel’s job will be hotter than asphalt in July, and the Fins will be fighting for draft position, not playoff glory.
AFC North: Cleveland Browns – The Factory of Sadness, Still Churning Out Loser-Dogs
Ah, Cleveland. Where hope goes to die a slow, agonizing death. The Browns’ offensive line is held together with duct tape and prayers. Jones has missed 13 games in two seasons and Conklin has missed 21 outings over the last two years because of injuries. That’s not a line; that’s a suggestion. Whoever’s playing quarterback will be running for his life like he’s being chased by a swarm of angry bees. Joe Flacco? Kenny Pickett? Shedeur Sanders? Dillon Gabriel? Doesn’t matter. They’re all gonna get creamed. And with Jerry Jeudy as their only reliable receiver? This offense is flatter than week-old soda.
“But Drew, their defense is good!” Yeah, Myles Garrett and Denzel Ward are studs. But even the best defense can only do so much when the offense sputters like a broken lawnmower. Eventually, they’ll get worn down, and the floodgates will open. The Browns are destined for the AFC North basement, perpetually searching for a quarterback who can actually stay upright for more than three seconds. Good luck finding that unicorn, Cleveland. You’ll have better luck finding a sober leprechaun riding a unicorn.
AFC South: Tennessee Titans – More Like the Tennessee *Tit-anic*, Because This Ship’s Going Down!
Oh, bless their hearts. The Titans are pinning their hopes on rookie quarterback Cameron Ward. And sure, he might have a rocket arm and nimble feet (or so they say), but he’s surrounded by a supporting cast that’s flatter than a pancake after a steamroller convention.
Calvin Ridley aside, their receiving corps is a who’s-who of has-beens and never-will-bes. Tyler Lockett’s declining faster than my hairline, and Treylon Burks is always hurt. Meanwhile, their left tackle, Dan Moore Jr., might as well be a turnstile, letting pass-rushers waltz right through. Even Pro Football Focus knows it! 12 sacks allowed last year? That’s not a left tackle; that’s a matador waving a red flag at a bull made of pass-rushers. Poor Cameron Ward will be flatter than a pancake after the offensive line are through with him!
They’re hoping Tony Pollard and Tyjae Spears can carry the load, but running the ball is a way to ease a rookie QB, not the whole freakin’ enchilada! Unless a miracle occurs, Tennessee’s offense will be a dumpster fire, and even a solid defense can’t save them from sinking to the bottom of the AFC South. Time to stock up on the whiskey, Titans fans. You’re gonna need it.
AFC West: Las Vegas Raiders – A Black Hole of Mediocrity (With Slightly Shinier Coaches)
The Raiders. Always a wild card, but usually in the bad way. Last year, they couldn’t win a game in their own division. Ouch. But hey, they hired Pete Carroll and Chip Kelly! That’s like putting racing stripes on a Yugo – it might look a little cooler, but it’s still a Yugo. Carroll’s season is over. And while it’s admirable to see how much he loves the game, it just seems like he is being wheeled out on a gurney and forced to work.
They traded for Geno Smith who, granted, had a nice little run in Seattle, but let’s not pretend he’s suddenly Tom Brady. Two rookie receivers? An unproven secondary? The Raiders are a recipe for disaster. Their defense will struggle to contain explosive offenses, and their offense will sputter like a car that’s run out of gas on the freeway. Seven or eight wins might be their ceiling, but they’ll still be staring up at the rest of the AFC West from the cellar. Viva, mediocrity, Viva!
NFC East: New York Giants – Still Gonna Giant, Even With Wilson?
The Giants got Russell Wilson! Huzzah! Except… is that really something to cheer about? Sure, he throws a nice deep ball (when he’s not busy cooking up some weird concoction in his kitchen). But let’s be honest, he’s not exactly a franchise savior. Over the last two years, the 10-time Pro Bowler has been an efficient passer, throwing for 42 touchdowns and 13 interceptions with a 65 percent completion rate. Entering his age-37 campaign, he’s a mediocre quarterback with great touch and accuracy on deep balls but lacks the upside to push an offense over the top with spectacular plays in critical moments.
The Giants will be more competitive than last year. This team doesn’t have any shot in the division with rivals like Jalen Hurts and Jayden Daniels or a signal-caller who has posted gaudy passing numbers in multiple seasons (Dak Prescott). They face a brutal schedule, and their defense, while improved, might not be able to keep up with the firepower they’ll be facing. The Giants will be slightly less terrible this year, which, in Giants-land, is considered a major victory. Still expect them at the bottom when all is said and done. This team is going to be the gift that keeps on giving to every other team in the NFC East!
NFC North: Minnesota Vikings – From Surprise Package to Disappointment Wrapped in Purple
The Vikings? Oh, they’re gonna fall harder than a drunken bridesmaid at a wedding. Kevin O’Connell is a solid coach, but even he can’t magically transform J.J. McCarthy into a competent quarterback overnight. The dude needed *two* knee surgeries! The learning curve’s going to be steeper than Mount Everest. (I know what you’re thinking about the Vikings now, so don’t write me any of your letters). If there is anything positive that the Vikings have going for them, it’s that O’Connell has experience coaching in the Super Bowl as an offensive coordinator, with the Los Angeles Rams in 2021. Now, can he turn this experience into the Vikings succeeding. O’Connell’s rushing offenses have ranked 19th or worse and could cost the Vikings some games against formidable opponents.
Sure, they’ve got weapons in Justin Jefferson, Jordan Addison, and T.J. Hockenson. And they tried to fix the O-line. But McCarthy’s inexperience will cost them games against good teams. Without a decent running game to take the pressure off, he’ll be throwing into double coverage all day. The Vikings will hover around .500 until McCarthy makes significant strides, and you might find yourself crying into your lutefisk.
NFC South: New Orleans Saints – Praying to the Football Gods for a QB
The New Orleans Saints—a team always teetering on the edge of brilliance or a complete implosion. The biggest problem is their quarterback situation. Derek Carr is a good starting point, and they’re already preparing for a Carrless future by bringing on Kellen Moore as head coach, who formerly served as the offensive coordinator. You know it’s bad when your hopes rest on the arm of Tyler Shough, Spencer Rattler or Jake Haener, a name synonymous with mediocre college play. You want to know what the problem is? Here’s my fake mailbag letter.
*Hey Drew, What is the problem with Tyler Shough’s numbers?*
Thank you for writing. Well to answer your question, as it stands in the NFL, Tyler is below average, that’s the reality. He started one full year on the collegiate level, and due to an extensive injury history, you can expect those numbers to continue to stay on the lower end.
Speaking of offensive weapons, as it stands, it’s not looking too good. You have Chris Olave, Rashid Shaheed, and Brandin Cooks who may be finishing the upcoming season with modest receiving numbers because of the team’s quarterback situation. And this could be one of the three bottom-scoring teams this year unless it makes a move for a starting-caliber quarterback.
NFC West: Seattle Seahawks – A Bird of a Different Feather, or Just Another Seagull Looking for Scraps?
Ah, the Seahawks. Fresh off a 10-win season that *still* wasn’t good enough for the playoffs, they decided to blow up their offense. They got rid of Geno Smith (his request to be traded was like a man wanting to leave his wife of 50 years) and DK Metcalf, and brought in a new offensive coordinator to “run the ball more.” Because that’s what everyone wants to see: the modern NFL turned into a 1950s slugfest.
Sam Darnold is now the shiny new quarterback. But can he be anything beyond mediocre? He’s on the Seahawks now because, as a great philosopher once said, *Nobody wants him!*. We’ve also got Cooper Kupp coming on the team. Sure, he was great… like, four years ago. But now he’s made of the same glass as Tua. If he can’t stay healthy (he’s missed 18 games in the last two years!), then what’s the point? If they are to survive past the regular season, Kupp and Darnold need to get themselves together.
Analysis: What Does This All Mean for the League?
Look, every year, some teams are gonna stink. That’s just the way it is. But what does it all *mean*? It means that the draft order is shaping up nicely for the contenders. It means that some coaches are gonna be fired (sorry, Mike and Kevin!). It means that some fans are gonna spend their Sundays screaming at their TVs and questioning their life choices (as is tradition). There’s a silver lining: With great failure comes the possibility of great success.
Conclusion: Embrace the Suck, Because It’s Coming for You!
So, there you have it, folks. My (completely unbiased, of course) predictions for the NFL’s worst of the worst in 2025. Will I be right about all of them? Probably not. But that’s the beauty of this whole thing. The NFL is a chaotic, unpredictable mess, and that’s why we love it. So, embrace the suck, folks, because it’s coming for your team sooner or later.